Vehement

 I'm 25, but i still wonder about things i experienced at 1 and 2 and 3 years old.  I practically only have less than 1,5 years of bond with my mother. No, she didn't leave me like a dramatic broken home people. But yes, I got left at 1,5 to be unable to recognise her again at 2. The sentence might sound like I blame situations, but I'm not trying to. It's just that I couldn't get things clear why I felt this and that. Maybe that's the reason.  I don't know; I'm still finding out. 

اِلَّا الَّذِيْنَ اٰمَنُوْا وَعَمِلُوا الصّٰلِحٰتِ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالْحَقِّ ەۙ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالصَّبْرِࣖ ۝٣ except those who have faith, do good, and urge each other to the truth, and urge each other to perseverance. Writing is about imperfection, then write your mind. I decided to randomly pour things in here cause if I wait for perfection, it won't even start. It also refers to this particular Surah about Time, where we need to realize that time is passing, and we are in grave loss if we waste time to just pass by. We don't have to wait; we need to act. Align with the "So once you have fulfilled ˹your duty˺, strive ˹in devotion˺,".  Before knowing what to write here, I encountered to this quotes: "No matter your age, you'll always wish you had started younger. But today is the youngest you'll ever be." This urged me to just start to write anything. That's the exact meaning of we can't wait for perfection, it has to be built towards it. This ...

هُوَ ٱلَّذِى يُرِيكُمْ ءَايَـٰتِهِۦ وَيُنَزِّلُ لَكُم مِّنَ ٱلسَّمَآءِ رِزْقًۭا ۚ وَمَا يَتَذَكَّرُ إِلَّا مَن يُنِيبُ ١٣ He is the One Who shows you His signs and sends down ˹rain as˺ a provision for you from the sky. ˹But˺ none will be mindful except those who turn ˹to Him˺. فَٱدْعُوا۟ ٱللَّهَ مُخْلِصِينَ لَهُ ٱلدِّينَ وَلَوْ كَرِهَ ٱلْكَـٰفِرُونَ ١٤ So call upon Allah with sincere devotion, even to the dismay of the disbelievers. فَسَتَذْكُرُونَ مَآ أَقُولُ لَكُمْ ۚ وَأُفَوِّضُ أَمْرِىٓ إِلَى ٱللَّهِ ۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ بَصِيرٌۢ بِٱلْعِبَادِ ٤٤ You will remember what I say to you, and I entrust my affairs to Allah. Surely Allah is All-Seeing of all ˹His˺ servants.”

she heals herself, helped by those who loves her It's funny that I am 25 now. It's funny that I still survive, not only surviving but I am getting better a lot. Took some travel back to my old posts, to my teenage years, I doubted myself a lot and it seemed I couldn't see what I could see right now. It feels like, I really hug my teen self and say that it's going to be alright, everything is scary but you'll get through it, through help, through joy, through sadness, you just couldn't give in.  *Listening to The Closest Thing by The Juliana Theory* I am awed by my younger self who saw many things with deeper meaning, or at least tried to see the deeper meaning of things, and uncover what does it contribute to each step I took. A lot has happened, I couldn't believe that I still want to write here.. I guess this is where I can pour my mind, becoming my own journey of finding self.  Anyway, now I am a Consultant. I work in the energy transition field, in the G...

I believe to change one's life, one must experience the hurt and punishment. and perceive that and accept that as a punishment, fair punishment. Thus you can't be too forgiving, you can't be too cruel.  Fairness. Equality.  Fairness changes life. changes the way the person sees life, responding to life, sees themselves, see surrounding, especially the way they treat people.  I have come to a realization that I am not a good person, all these times actually. But I thought it yields from my unfortunate experiences and have turned me into a numb person. It's not. Well, maybe technically yes, but it means that I let unfortunate experiences change me and make me a cruel person, while I had the capacity and will to control.  I cannot be this person, especially towards people I dearly loved. someone I dearly loved who had given their best and all the love.  I don't continue to wake up in the morning for this, I am not given the chance to breath to be a coward. Everybod...

After graduating, you should be able to present yourself in an interview for a job. you need to build your personal branding, and your virtue, therefore you are seen as a fulfilling person.  In this phase, when asked about anything, I could never be confident in my answers. I always think of people's judgment about my answer. On anything. Especially when asked about myself.  Do I want coffee or chocolate? I could never be sure of my answers, Do I want to go to Coste or Darbe? I don't know which one is better at the moment, Do I want to go back to Jogja or find a job elsewhere? I want both! I never exactly know what I want right now, let alone my desire.  Even Slavoj Zizek ruined my mind, he said that "We never really want what we desire." Bullshit to realities, bullshit to fantasies, can I just be alone?

 when in pressure,  I feel like, I can't move. not only physically, but also mentally. I wanted to step out and be braver and let my mouth speaks whatever words I want to say. But I was never able to do so. But I really wanted to.  It's like I wanted to defend myself, but when I defended myself, that's where I got myself too self-centric. Too selfish. Too Ms. Know It All and then there I am, a destroyer of mood, of situation, and everything that's harming. When in pressure, who should I prioritize? what should I prioritize? Tried to calm myself, I've managed that. But not my brain, my mind. It's like a disconnected wifi. I'm not functioning well. Therefore, I spent around 3 hours of doing nothing in Darbe Cafe. Unable to focus. Can I just  Never mind.  When in pressure, you should never accommodate your wants and needs. You are not that matter.