Vehement

 isn't so hard to be yourself? without getting accused of being too self-centric? i really can't prioritize my self for a few phase of my life, aren't I?

 what is my choice? even in the very state of losing my mind, I'm bothered to choose. Ive given the time and place to chose, but I still are not confident enough to chose. Thinking that my choice is bad. Underestimate my decision. Cause it always turns bad. does that mean I can't choose? does that mean I'm afraid to be free?

 untuk dapat berjalan, kamu harus terlebih dahulu berdiri.  Terkadang, saat ini proses yang harus kulewati tidak hanya dalam berjalan, berlaripun masih jauh rasanya. Saat ini, berdiripun perlu diakui sebagai suatu proses. Entah, mungkin karena di bebanmu sudah lebih banyak beban sehingga tidak lagi ringan badanmu. Memang, umur 20-an jadi umur dimana beratku lebih bertambah, dan untuk sebagian dari remaja. Karena nugas sambil ngemil dan makan ayam geprek itu nikmat.

Hi, here's one fact about me, I am a person who likes to scroll and looking back to the past. Yes, I sometimes dwell on the past. This night, I randomly searched my name on Google to find out how much does internet know about me? Turns out I found my very old archives in the elementary school website. This one, I remember a lot writing this. The scenarios is still in my head. I don't know why, but I was obsessed with Lawang Sewu, though until today I never went there. Anyway, let me present you, Sisi's 2011 writing. --------------------- Hari ini, kelas Miiko sedang meributkan tentang tempat outbond, suasana kelas menjadi sangat ramai. Miiko                      : “Gimana kalau kita ke Candi Borobudur???” Miho                       : “Jangan, disitu kan panas banget! mending kita k...

  as we grow, we can see what matters to us. and that's what we're fighting for. the sense of you are meant to do something, the sense of fighting for what we believe, the sense of you are doing things not because you have to do it as a duty, but because you believe that it's right. that's called fire. and we need to ignite that. Paramore said, " I give it all to my oxygen, to let the flames begin ". Same to what Rengoku Kyojuro said, " set your heart ablaze, go beyond your limits ". yes. the truth hurts. the world we live in are chaotic. we criticize what the government are doing. we criticize corporations. we criticize the system. yet we are in the system. and how to get out? people say there's no way out. well, daaa *rolling eyes*, cause we are attached with what so called globalization.  but, to go for it. you just gotta have to go for it. like what Hinata Shoyo said, " Do you need a reason to not want to lose? "

Source : Google masih saja, padahal sudah 4 tahun berlalu mengapa rangkaian kejadian selama 2 tahun yang dimulai 4 tahun lalu masih teringat jelas sedangkan materi Ekonomi Politik Internasional seminggu yang lalu tak terbesit sedikitpun dikepalaku. Aku mungkin memang seorang pendendam besar yang dibalut kain sutra lambang elegan dalam sikap. Siapa yang tahu bila aku pendendam? Atau mungkin lebih tepatnya, siapa yang tahu bila aku sakit? Tidak ada Semuanya sudah bosan, diceritakan olehku tentang rangkaian-rangkaian pengkhianatan yang tidak jua kulepas dari hidupku.  Pada akhirnya, ya. Aku dan dia masih sama-sama terpuruk. Mungkin pada hal yang berbeda, tapi sama-sama jatuh. Bedanya, aku tidak terlihat terpuruk. Aku pintar menutupi dendamku. Ya, dengan berbesar hati (setidaknya ada di dalam hatiku suatu penerimaan) aku mengakui aku dendam kepadanya dan kepadanya.  Dendamku bagai kotoran di dalam luka. Lukanya kering dan sembuh, tapi kotoran masih menumpuk didalam. Menyakiti pemb...

perfectionist, most people whose right now might be successful or not that successful but we see them having the best achievement in their life, tend to be a perfectionist. I, on the other side, not a perfectionist Not because I don't want to, but because I can't. Why I can't? Because I fail to discipline myself, I fail to make my plan works. I do have brilliant plans, I need to be proud of, I have visions.   But I lost it, cause I fail. And somehow it is so hard to get back that vision. I lost that energy. I lost that soul.  It's always been like that, I've always been so excited and full of energy at the beginning. Then, problems start coming, and I failed.  Then I'm ashamed and disappointed with myself.  I've earned a good position, means I've developed pretty well in this new stage of life. But I started back at one. becoming the lame one, the coward one. I've got bravery anymore. I've got no energy anymore.  I don't want to be perfect an...