today's dump stories and feeling

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Source : Pinterest

    I just wanna write anything that I feel, anything that crossed my mind, not considering whether it's wise or otherwise, may I?

    Let me start with today's wake-up feeling, 

    it was 06.36 am. I feel so proud of myself for waking up at this hour, though only for a couple of minutes. I heard these voices and words, judging me and telling me what to do. Do I need it? Maybe. But I don't want it. The fact that I can put that moment into today's timeline, maybe I've got really big pores in my sensitive heart, that absorb anything including bad thoughts. Again and again, I always start the day feeling like a failure

    Then I went and made my morning a failure. I delayed the to-do list and started the day at 09.00 am. I dyed my sister's hair which took a quite long time. I passionately completed that. 

    Then I disappointed a person. I feel like it's my fault, but I can't and don't really know how to fix it. It was a sealing moment that might never happen again, and I failed to grab that. 

    Then I tried to fix it, I also tried to ignore the feeling of misery and self-pity(ing) myself. I don't think it's bearable because I'm still doing it right now, around 11 hours later. 

    Then this bad and sad news came in the night, which makes it worse. I felt the loss. But I also feel like I've contributed in ruining this person's day. Tho you can say, "it's just a bad day, not a bad life.". I don't really know what to do, 

    A moment earlier I was having quite bad anxiety (+caffeine made it worse). I was thinking I really really need an anti-depressant. But, I'm proud of myself that I could accomplish this Energy and International Transformation essay at the same time! No one else should celebrate this but me. and this is okay. 

    Anyway, this day feels like a pressure to me. But at the same time, adventurous and great too! My overthinking and the feeling of not enough filled my mind most of the time, and that's why I felt so heavy inside. And I don't know how to stop that if it doesn't come from someone else's mouth. I have to admit, I need someone else's validation. To say that I'm on the right track.

    I don't even know in which track I am.

    at the end of the day, all I could say to myself is that, and it's just a bad day, not a bad life.  

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