Vehement

As I hear the rain pouring and classical piano playing in Youtube streaming. I feel some kind of energy running through my body. If I can see the aura, I might see colours changing around me.  I honestly can't really describe how I feel. But I'll try. to make you, the you that will read this, understand.  I feel like I'm in the middle of the rain, but still under the roof. Cause the sound of the rain is quite obvious, means it touches surfaces. or objects. I feel like my heart is quite heavy, once I saw this picture of "unlearning things". It said several things that human needs to unlearn, in order to develop themselves. Everything written there, I still do.  how to unlearn things?  I feel so, weak. I can't control and I'm too dependent. I want to be independent and believe in myself. I do I really do, and if you ask me if I'm confident enough to say that I can and will survive, I AM confident. But the things is I'm just too scared to make the fir...

I'm almost 22, yet I missed many opportunities, something just hold me back. I'm sorry if maybe I'm not the person that people are expecting me to be, lol, I don't even know if someone ever expect me doing something. or be something. I maybe want to hide and travel to remote areas, I maybe just want to cut off every relationship that I had with people, except the closest one which I can count with my hand.  I should be graduating in a year or 1,5 more years. I still have time, to make my dreams come true. And I think, after graduating, I just want to disappear and live the best not wanting any compliment from old friends, let me just see you on top and chit chat! The process I'm trying to enter is a jungle to me, I recognized none of it. But, I think I will survive. It's just right now, I still feel like I'm in the crowd and I compare myself to everyone else, I try to compete but I knew I just can't catch up with growth mindset, hustle-bustle, 2-3 papers...

 isn't so hard to be yourself? without getting accused of being too self-centric? i really can't prioritize my self for a few phase of my life, aren't I?

 what is my choice? even in the very state of losing my mind, I'm bothered to choose. Ive given the time and place to chose, but I still are not confident enough to chose. Thinking that my choice is bad. Underestimate my decision. Cause it always turns bad. does that mean I can't choose? does that mean I'm afraid to be free?

 untuk dapat berjalan, kamu harus terlebih dahulu berdiri.  Terkadang, saat ini proses yang harus kulewati tidak hanya dalam berjalan, berlaripun masih jauh rasanya. Saat ini, berdiripun perlu diakui sebagai suatu proses. Entah, mungkin karena di bebanmu sudah lebih banyak beban sehingga tidak lagi ringan badanmu. Memang, umur 20-an jadi umur dimana beratku lebih bertambah, dan untuk sebagian dari remaja. Karena nugas sambil ngemil dan makan ayam geprek itu nikmat.

Hi, here's one fact about me, I am a person who likes to scroll and looking back to the past. Yes, I sometimes dwell on the past. This night, I randomly searched my name on Google to find out how much does internet know about me? Turns out I found my very old archives in the elementary school website. This one, I remember a lot writing this. The scenarios is still in my head. I don't know why, but I was obsessed with Lawang Sewu, though until today I never went there. Anyway, let me present you, Sisi's 2011 writing. --------------------- Hari ini, kelas Miiko sedang meributkan tentang tempat outbond, suasana kelas menjadi sangat ramai. Miiko                      : “Gimana kalau kita ke Candi Borobudur???” Miho                       : “Jangan, disitu kan panas banget! mending kita k...

  as we grow, we can see what matters to us. and that's what we're fighting for. the sense of you are meant to do something, the sense of fighting for what we believe, the sense of you are doing things not because you have to do it as a duty, but because you believe that it's right. that's called fire. and we need to ignite that. Paramore said, " I give it all to my oxygen, to let the flames begin ". Same to what Rengoku Kyojuro said, " set your heart ablaze, go beyond your limits ". yes. the truth hurts. the world we live in are chaotic. we criticize what the government are doing. we criticize corporations. we criticize the system. yet we are in the system. and how to get out? people say there's no way out. well, daaa *rolling eyes*, cause we are attached with what so called globalization.  but, to go for it. you just gotta have to go for it. like what Hinata Shoyo said, " Do you need a reason to not want to lose? "

Source : Google masih saja, padahal sudah 4 tahun berlalu mengapa rangkaian kejadian selama 2 tahun yang dimulai 4 tahun lalu masih teringat jelas sedangkan materi Ekonomi Politik Internasional seminggu yang lalu tak terbesit sedikitpun dikepalaku. Aku mungkin memang seorang pendendam besar yang dibalut kain sutra lambang elegan dalam sikap. Siapa yang tahu bila aku pendendam? Atau mungkin lebih tepatnya, siapa yang tahu bila aku sakit? Tidak ada Semuanya sudah bosan, diceritakan olehku tentang rangkaian-rangkaian pengkhianatan yang tidak jua kulepas dari hidupku.  Pada akhirnya, ya. Aku dan dia masih sama-sama terpuruk. Mungkin pada hal yang berbeda, tapi sama-sama jatuh. Bedanya, aku tidak terlihat terpuruk. Aku pintar menutupi dendamku. Ya, dengan berbesar hati (setidaknya ada di dalam hatiku suatu penerimaan) aku mengakui aku dendam kepadanya dan kepadanya.  Dendamku bagai kotoran di dalam luka. Lukanya kering dan sembuh, tapi kotoran masih menumpuk didalam. Menyakiti pemb...