Vehement

After graduating, you should be able to present yourself in an interview for a job. you need to build your personal branding, and your virtue, therefore you are seen as a fulfilling person.  In this phase, when asked about anything, I could never be confident in my answers. I always think of people's judgment about my answer. On anything. Especially when asked about myself.  Do I want coffee or chocolate? I could never be sure of my answers, Do I want to go to Coste or Darbe? I don't know which one is better at the moment, Do I want to go back to Jogja or find a job elsewhere? I want both! I never exactly know what I want right now, let alone my desire.  Even Slavoj Zizek ruined my mind, he said that "We never really want what we desire." Bullshit to realities, bullshit to fantasies, can I just be alone?

 when in pressure,  I feel like, I can't move. not only physically, but also mentally. I wanted to step out and be braver and let my mouth speaks whatever words I want to say. But I was never able to do so. But I really wanted to.  It's like I wanted to defend myself, but when I defended myself, that's where I got myself too self-centric. Too selfish. Too Ms. Know It All and then there I am, a destroyer of mood, of situation, and everything that's harming. When in pressure, who should I prioritize? what should I prioritize? Tried to calm myself, I've managed that. But not my brain, my mind. It's like a disconnected wifi. I'm not functioning well. Therefore, I spent around 3 hours of doing nothing in Darbe Cafe. Unable to focus. Can I just  Never mind.  When in pressure, you should never accommodate your wants and needs. You are not that matter. 

Source :  Pinterest      I just wanna write anything that I feel, anything that crossed my mind, not considering whether it's wise or otherwise, may I?      Let me start with today's wake-up feeling,       it was 06.36 am. I feel so proud of myself for waking up at this hour, though only for a couple of minutes. I heard these voices and words, judging me and telling me what to do. Do I need it? Maybe. But I don't want it. The fact that I can put that moment into today's timeline, maybe I've got really big pores in my sensitive heart, that absorb anything including bad thoughts. Again and again, I always start the day feeling like a failure      Then I went and made my morning a failure. I delayed the to-do list and started the day at 09.00 am. I dyed my sister's hair which took a quite long time. I passionately completed that.       Then I disappointed a person. I feel like it's my fault, but I can...

when writing, or maybe talking. or I would say, when pouring out what's in my mind, through writing, through speaking, through explaining, I have difficulties in inserting data.  How to play with data? Should I change my perspective on data? This makes me think, that the way we see an object compared to the way people see that same object, might be different. Moreover when what we're seeing or explaining is a complex and chaotic reality. So, I guess, let's just learn to understand things deeper. Unlike the common saying, "the less you know, the better", in this case, I have to set a different mindset.  The more you know, the better. 

to be honest, i shouldn't invest my time writing this at the moment. 600 words left that i still should fulfill, in no time. but, as i watch back at my footstep, I feel like I simplify things so many times. I didn't read properly the reading material given, I wasn't being active in class, I came late, I wasn't engaging and digging things deeper, I didn't put so much effort to achieve things.  "I still got time to fix things," That's me saying to myself at the beginning of the semester, after middle exam (uts), or at the end of the semester. It lacks of weigh. That will only be a cliche things that came across every single person's mind when they're not doing their best. But, hell yeah I said back then during my speech at my organization's upgrading, what sounds cliche won't automatically happen. So, we gotta have to learn how to do it and then do it. A person close to me say this a lot, but we gotta have to immerse to find deeper meanin...